if i can run in heels then i can drive
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it was like eating out sand paper
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize