It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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