it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
