Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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