It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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