um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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