I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
