remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
