I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
