maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
