bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
