She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
