So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
