On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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