True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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