1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
