That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
