My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
