He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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