You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize