This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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