I hate your face
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
