She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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