I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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