i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
