my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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