I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You're like the curious george of whores
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
