We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I intend to get homeless drunk
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
