I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
