last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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