I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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