I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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