I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
