Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize