We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Randomize
