Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
