I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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