Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
