sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize