very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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