Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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