i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
