guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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