textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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