It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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