i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
