did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
