I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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