Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
