She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
