Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize