So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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