I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize