please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
