he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
