I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
