still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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