walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
