Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
